The future doesn't exist

(from Chicago to Eric in Germany
Jun 2001)

If it makes you feel better, your bad English
makes me laugh. It isn't that bad really but a huge
improvement isn't evident so quite clearly my leaving
Germany has left many with a language handicap. And I
don't miss all the people telling me to slow down and
talk slowly, meaning mostly you! Now I can talk as
fast as I want to anyone that wants to listen. Which
is some sometimes and none the rest of the time. I
think I'm rambling because I'm drinking decaf coffee
at an internet cafe in Chicago since I don't have a
computer and don't even drink coffee.

And I think the best would be if someday I parachute
out of an airplane when I'm flying over Europe and
land right in your upstairs bedroom and the only way
you and Julia would ever know is that you would find
me eating breakfast in your kitchen one day. With a
big smile on my face.

Anything to escape life back in States! Your daughter will
have a new meaning for boring after Washington. Not
really. She is in for a culture shock though. I was
and I am an American, of sorts.

And if you trashed a letter that has a check for a
million dollars I'm going to come and feed you
chocolate cookies til you're really really fat not
just a few kilometers or is that kilos? And Julia
will have to roll you to work instead of watching you
roll a cigarette.

Ok?

And don't worry about the future it doesn't exist nor
does the past therefore I'm enjoying myself and not
looking for work. At least not today. No poses in
fields either. I loved that girl she was the best!
And I never learned the Tibetan Yoga poses she was
doing but when in the States, the first book I saw on
my friends couch was on them and so I am doing them
and they are super. Supposed to keep you young
forever. Really. Straight from the Himalayas not
commercial at all. I'll send her to your home for
lessons. Zehr Gut?

I went on one interview with DDB Needham and that was
enough to make me never want to work in advertising
again. Agencies are such scheize sometimes. And I
have been away from it so long and am also at that age
where it just doesn't have almost any attraction so I
too am starting my book. Actually looking for writing
workshops because writing gives me such pleasure and
joy and satisfaction. An important word. And in
truth working at EURO RSG last year also brough me
satisfaction of another sort so I will probably be
back working very soon. Can't escape it. Advertising
that is.

And I am so happy for you to start doing short
stories cause I think it makes doing the stuff for
money easier to swallow. Know what I mean? Do it do
it do it do it. Then translate it and send it to me.
I love words. Growing up, they were always my best
and sometimes only friends.

There is so much beauty in creativity. Makes life
worth living. Creating, expressing. Just like that
big old creator making all those mountains you like to
hike. And beautiful nature you like to adore. Did you
know it was adoring you as well. Just as you are
looking at it in marvel it is looking back at you and
marveling at the beauty of You as pure potential and
expression of all beauty manifest as well. Did you
know that? So next time you see something beautiful
(other than me that is) remember it is seeing you as
beautiful as well and deeply moved right back. Isn't
that a nice idea. It just came to me. Never heard it
before. But I see things visually and as I pictured
you sitting adoring the side of amazing acts of God I
saw it looking the same way back at you and that...is
beautiful. Just like me. Well, it's always harder to
see it in yourself so I'll let you and the mountains
have your love affair. Before I try and have them
loving me.

Oh my. India was so great and so intense and so
unbelievable and timeless and I learn so much and so
much is done to me and through me and so much of bad
things taken away. I see a big change this time
around and it's anger which seems to be missing and
real healing with family. I'm living near my sister
and absolutely loving it and being an Aunt a real one
for the first time, picking up my nephew at school
babysitting for the new baby and spending time in
their new house and just appreciating things I was too
busy running to know before. A new calm (yes me) and
quiet joy and I am just really happy. And like you I
don't know what the future holds but it just keeps
getting better and better so how can I doubt that as
long as I do the best with what is in front of me that
it will continue to be an expansion. We do create our
own reality. Or have a big part to play in it. SO
create some good things! You have so far. I remember
when you used to be employed at the Agency! Yek! remember
that! Just another employee now you're on your own and
you've done well. Appreciate yourself! They say an
attitude of gratitude and appreciation is the magnet
that brings good things. And to be able to visualize
your dream. Concretely to picture it. Good thoughts
positive thinking positive results.

I think we know my new career :) People would either
love me or really hate me!

I just moved into a small but nice studio apartment
near my sister in a great neighborhood with lots of
Arts and bookstores and cafes and families and can't
believe it, have my boxes finally with me! Lot's of
Sai Baba books too! Of course. Now to get a computer
and a job and write and plan my next adventure a sane
trip - no more on the run. And it will probably be
India in the winter…. you never know where you'll find me....

I want the world. Bruce Springsteen once said that.
And look at him. Actually I want him.

Silly me.

Glad you aint smoking. Be healthy. Be happy. And
find a field. Not to take a pee. That's what you need
for Thai Chi. I need some Thai food.

Tshuss! Enjoy Mallorca,
Let the mountains love you,
And a big Hare Krishna to you too,

Milijana
"The Present is a product of the past but it is also
the seed for the future" Sai Baba

"Human conduct is ever unreliable until man is
anchored in the Divine. Everything in the future will
improve if you are making a spiritual effort now"
Autobiography of a Yogi
(Quote I've carried around for 11 years on tattered,
torn piece of paper. I still have my map of Frankfurt
in my day book, tattered and torn).
SAI RAM!

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